My first boyfriend was a nice guy. He was a good kid from a rough home who had a good heart. He’d seen his father commit suicide and well, let’s just say it affected him in the worst ways. I can safely say he was my “first love.” ( At least at that point I thought so ) I wanted the best for him and I saw the best in him; but after 31 years of life I’d probably have to be honest and say he wasn’t a good choice for me. Now mind you, the seventh grade version of me would have sworn up and down we were meant to be. He was Spanish and smelled nice and was taller than me. These were winning qualities in my book! Forget the fact that he was in and out of jail and always in trouble…it was super romantic when he broke out of lock up and called me to come get him! Right? WRONG!
After several more crazy run in’s I gave up on him and something better came along. He was kind of short, but he was less crazy. Then his being short got old, and he was replaced with “Mr. tall, dark and foreign.” Mr. TDF walked me through my teenage years until I met “Mr. Tall, Dark and musical.” That fizzled quick and I fell into the arms of “Mr. Worst Mistake of my life!” I finally gave up on love until, “Mr. Died on the Cross for your sins” came into the picture and I finally understood what “love” was supposed to look like, opening me up for “Mr. hilarious, dreamy, man of my dreams.” Is it just me, or do we do that with love? We chase substitutes to fill the void until the right one comes along.We do that in life, with jobs, with friends, and with our identities. I won’t lie, I’ve done that with everything. Especially with my identity.
As a kid I was the basketball player and as an adult I became the worship leader, the media junkie, the wife, the song-writer, the human trafficking fighter, the assistant. As time and life has washed away the facade, all that remains is who I was supposed to be — a daughter of God. I’ve found that it’s only in that specific “title” that God can reflect His nature, and His agenda. It’s only then, that I can truly see myself for what I was truly meant to be….a servant.
….still in process.